A
female
age
41-50,
*ConfusedChick
writes:I have posted several times over the past 3 years during my relationship. The last post was regarding an engagement timeline. We did end up setting up a timeline with the goal of living together by the end of July and engagement around the end of the year. May and June went by pretty smoothly, but in July he started picking little arguments and I knew something was wrong. And at the end of July he blurted out that he needed another month to "get his head right". He is terrified of failing as a boyfriend/husband if he moves in or gets engaged.. so much so that it is not allowing us to progress as a couple. But he knows that seeing each other 2-3 times a week after 3+ years of dating is not enough to meet my needs. So I gave him another month; and the bickering stopped. I was thinking that we were defiantely in a good place. But during our 8/23 therapy session, he says that he is not sure he is ready. Our therapist simply told us that after 7 months of therapy we needed to do something different because obviously what we were doing wasn't changing the situation. She suggested he just move in if he could. Or we could break up, or we could take a month apart from each other. Just do something different. I left for a business trip to Mexico on that Sunday. I honestly believed that I when I returned he would be ready with his clothes, cats,and computer to move in. But that's not what he did. He texted me during my flight home and said that he thought he needed the month of time apart. That maybe if the fear of losing me was worse than the fear of moving in and failing, he would be able to move forward. I was devistated. I saw him yesterday and he knows how he feels and nothing I could say or do could change that. We agreed on the month apart and that we would not see or talk to each other during that time unless he knew for sure that he was ready to make the commitment to me. He said he is afraid that if he can't move faster that he is going to lose his best friend and the woman he loves. I hate feeling like I'm pushing him but after 3.5 years, I need more than a part-time boyfriend. He said he loves me, he bought me a ring (a year or two ago..but I didn't find out until his mom told me during our breakup last November before we started therapy), he said that I'm the one and that he is completely in-love with me.. so what the hell is going on? Now we're on a break, and I feel like I have to treat it as a break up.. but I didn't want this. I just wanted him to move forward like he said he wanted last December when he was begging for me to come back. I took a huge leap of faith that he meant all of the things he said. I fell completely back in love with him, and now that he's the one that needs to trust in us; he is taking a break. What can I do?
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (4 September 2012):
 Well he can certainly come back with the ring but then postpone marriage still. People can be engaged for years, I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if that's what he did so don't be too excited if he does end up coming back, if your end goal is still marriage it is no guarantee he will ever be ready for that. But anyway no one can say if he will choose to move in together after a month. I understand you are upset by this but there's not too much you can do but wait and hope or move on. Try and keep yourself as busy as possible either way to keep your mind off of it. Honestly such a thing is worse than a break up because you have the hope constantly there and the unknowing of what could happen, rather than knowing it's the end and moving on. Since you aren't ready to give up then wait and hope for the best but keep busy so you don't go insane. Just don't expect the best outcome and get your hopes up too much.
But I still say if you want kids and marriage it won't ever happen with this guy. It wont happen at all or not on a timeline that is possible.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (4 September 2012):
 Exactly right!!! You Don't know if he will come back at all so instead of pining and worrying, you need to get on with your own life and try to make your own happiness.
We can waste many years wishing and hoping for one thing, forcing ourselves to believe that it is our destiny, but life has a funny way of turning our dreams on their head and sometimes the best laid plans just simply never happen.
There is no rhyme or reason, it's just the way life is...the only person you have control over is yourself, it's a mistake to place all your hopes and happiness into another person...if it doesn't work out...you are literally sunk!!!
Hugs xxx
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A
female
reader, 1ConfusedChick +, writes (4 September 2012):
1ConfusedChick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly I have to say that I have already considered the what-if if he comes back and wants to move in. And since he decided to take this break he knows that he can't come back without a ring. I don't see this as an ultimatum as he is the one that decided that he needed time to be 100% sure. To me moving in was not a big deal as neither of us were moving furniture or selling our individual property, but he likened it to "psycho-marriage" therefore if it is that serious to him than rather than move in and possibly have to do this again in a few months, he needs to be sure about the whole thing. I know that he has some issues both emotionally and commitment wise but he is a good responsible man so its not like me to walk away but I do realize he may never be totally sure which, trust me, means he will not come back. I have never been able to force this man into anything so if he comes back and with a ring, it will be because he wants this not because I threatened him. This I am 100% sure of. What I am not sure of is if he will come back even after time to himself. This is what I am struggling with
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (3 September 2012):
I just read some of your other questions and responses. I'm sorry for all that you have dealt with in this relationship. 3.5 years is such a long time to be content with only seeing someone a few days a week. I don't think he would want it any other way. So therefore marrying him would be forcing him into something he doesn't want. He obviously does not want the same level of commitment you do and is trying to take a break to see if he will. He has to take a break to see if missing you will force him into moving in. But even if he comes back saying he is sure he wants you it will probably just be postponed some more. Then assume he comes back after a month break and finally moves in with you. Imagine how much of an obstacle the next step would be, marriage. That would be postponed for years. You want to be married and have kids but it won't ever happen if you wait around with his timeline.
I think you should take this break and consider it a real break up. He has some real emotional and commitment issues that years of different therapists haven't been able to solve. I know you don't want to go back to dating but you need to accept defeat at this point. You have put everything into this man for years, no one can say you didn't try and give him every allowance and benefit of the doubt. You did it all but he doesn't seem like he will ever change. You want him to suddenly be ready to move in then get married without fears or hesitation and it won't ever happen. To be honest I wouldn't want to be with a man I had to give deadlines to and essentially force him to marry me. It only leads to unhappiness and resentment. Meet a guy without so many emotional demons and more compatibility and the same life goals that you have.
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A
female
reader, 1ConfusedChick +, writes (3 September 2012):
1ConfusedChick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I have spent more than 4 days at a time with him, generally on vacation though. We both own our own homes and have jobs that require long hours so scheduling time is sometimes tricky. Which is why I thought a compromise of moving in would help. Not marriage but not living completely independent lives. When he's alone he is generally sleeping, watching movies, or playing FarmVille/castleville (childish but I accept that he likes them). I think this was my "enough" but since he needed to make a choice, he chose a break. I know I need to treat it as a break up because he may never be able to give me what I need. But I do love him so there is a part of me that hopes he takes this time and comes out swinging! Being 38 it is just very disheartening to know that after about 25 years of dating I still haven't gottenn it right
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 September 2012):
 Have you spent more than 4 days with him? What was he like? If lack of freedom is what he fears, what does he do with his free time? Does he have health issues, or anything he did not tell you? Please know that it is not something about you and that there has to be something that makes him a non comitted partner. He either fixes his issue and be single, it is not fair to you that he keeps you on a string to be available to him only when he feels like it. I think 3.5 years is enough time to give him an ultimatum without feeling nasty about it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 September 2012):
Poor you, must be very upsetting and frustrating.
I truly believe you have tried everything possible to move him out of the rut he is in...you can do no more.
Forgive me for saying so and this is a mere observation based of all you have written on DC, but I think your boyfriend has a serious emotional problem and fear of commitment.
Good and healthy relationships do not begin this way and I think if you persist with this relationship you are almost certainly in for years of upset, confusion and dissapointment, which is not fair on you.
I understand that you love this guy but he is pushing you to the edge with his avoidance behaviour...even the therapist had to admit defeat.
Life is very short and there is many a good and true person who believed so deeply that their relationship should succeed at all cost, only to be misled, misguided and dissapointed after a lifetime of trying...
A good relationship should not be this stressful or such hard work.
Nobody here can make up your mind for you, if the situation continues, you will eventually hit a wall whereby you can tolerate no more.
I can see how hard you are trying and how generous of nature you are being, you are meeting all his demands, pandering to his whims and taking the second class seat in all things just so he won't feel pressured or 'intimidated' out of the relationship.
Looking at your age range, not sure if you are hoping to have kids or just want to get on a build a happy life which is all any of us want...he is being obstructive and thwarting you at every step and that is such a shitty way to treat someone he's suppose to be in love with.
I think if this were happening to me, I'd feel inclined to carry on the party without him, take time for yourself and friends and family and maybe (dare I say it) have a few dates with other people.
His professing to love you and claim you as his best friend is overshadowed by his inability to make a stand...
You gotta ask yourself if you truly deserve all this mess and how long you are prepared to put up with it...
I really feel for you and I think you need to get back out there and see what else the world has to offer away from the stress and strain of such a tiresome relationship.
Hope you find some peace.
xx
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